[Ruth]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.


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A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'




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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.




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A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters


'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'


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Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.



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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him.

'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'



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Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
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_________________
Always drink upstream from the herd.

[Ruth]

IT MUST HAVE BEEN A VERY BRAVE MAN WHO WROTE THIS!


A son asked his mother the following question,


“Mom, why are wedding dresses white?”



The mother looks at her son and replies,


“Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.”

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.


“Dad why are wedding dresses white?”

The father looks at his son in surprise and says,


“Son, all household appliances come in white.”
_________________
Always drink upstream from the herd.

[Stan]

Here is one from a few years ago, when you had Bush and we had Blair.

It is not actually aimed at Americans, more at the British, butyou may find it funny.

Remember, it's just for fun. (but the parts about spelling could have been written by me!

Dear Americans:

[Ruth]

Teachers & Cops:

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in
the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded
(but, boy, are these funny!)

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. (my favorite...)

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming..

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.


These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were
taken off actual police car videos around the country:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."
_________________
Always drink upstream from the herd.

[Ruth]

Foul Mouths
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country....we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.........

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
_________________
Always drink upstream from the herd.

[Annie]

[Ruth]

Job Hunt
1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got
canned. Couldn't concentrate.

2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn't hack
it, so they gave me the axe.

3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it --
mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too
exhausting.

5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to
my life, but just didn't have the thyme.

6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it...
couldn't cut the mustard.

7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually found I wasn't
noteworthy.

8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't have any
patience.

9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn't fit
in. My sole wasn't in it.

10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn't
live on my net income.

11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company,
but the work was just too draining.

12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't
fit for the job.

13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a
job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it
was the same old grind.

15. SO, I TRIED Retirement AND FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!---and
LOVING it!!!
_________________
Always drink upstream from the herd.

[Ruth]

Tax time

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks,"What's your occupation?"

"I'm a prostitute," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, " Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

"Chicken Farmer it is."
_________________
Always drink upstream from the herd.

[Annie]

I love this one;
"A man went to America on a mountain climbing holiday. He had an accident, and fell 30ft. He broke both his legs and was bleeding heavily.
He managed to make it to a road, where he flagged down a car which drove him to the hospital.
He crawled into the waiting room, and two nurses ran over to him.
"Oh my God, are you alright?" one of them shouted.
He said, "I'm absolutely fine, why do you ask?" before passing out.

After waking up in the same spot 6 hours later, he realized there's a time and a place for sarcasm."
_________________
"Oh, here are the nuclear codes."

[Ruth]

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio , Texas leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance...never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.

Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir...but I've always wanted to."
_________________
Always drink upstream from the herd.

[Ruth]

Don't ever pay a surprise visit to a child in college. You might be the one getting the surprise. I learned this the hard way when I swung by my son's campus during a business trip. Locating what I thought was his fraternity house, I rang the doorbell. "Yeah?" a voice called from inside.

"Does Dylan Housman live here?"

"Yup," the voice answered. "Leave him on the front porch. We'll drag him in later."
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Walking through the hallways at the middle school where I work, I saw a new substitute teacher standing outside his classroom with his forehead against a locker. I heard him mutter, "How did you get yourself into this?"

Knowing he was assigned to a difficult class, I tried to offer moral support. "Are you okay?" I asked. "Can I help?"

He lifted his head and replied, "I'll be fine as soon as I get this kid out of his locker."
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An adorable little girl walked into my pet shop and asked, “Excuse me, do you have any rabbits here?”

“I do,” I answered, and leaning down to her eye level I asked, “Did you want a white rabbit or would you rather have a soft, fuzzy black rabbit?”

She shrugged. “I don’t think my python really cares.”
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Which windshield wiper blade always quits first? That's right -- the driver's side. This happened to me one day while driving home in the middle of a blinding storm. Unable to see, I pulled over and tried to figure out a quick fix. I found it in a yellow cotton work glove lying on the floor. I wedged the cloth hand under the wiper arm. It did a great job keeping my windshield clear. Not only that -- you'd be surprised at how many people waved back.
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A millionaire, a hard hat, and a drunk are at a bar. When they get their beers, they notice a fly in each mug. The millionaire politely asks the bartender for another beer, then proceeds to sip it. The hard hat spills out just enough to get rid of the fly and quaffs the rest. It's now the drunk's turn. He sticks his hand into the beer, grabs the fly by the wings, and shouts, "Spit it out! Spit it out!"
_________________
Always drink upstream from the herd.