Morale at HM Revenue and Customs is “so low that employees want punchbags, squeeze balls and aromatherapy”, the Conservatives have said.

A discussion website run by HMRC workers, which has been taken offline, contained the demands from staff.

Tory frontbencher Philip Hammond said there was a “crisis of management and leadership”, as seen in the recent loss of 25 million child benefit records.

But an HMRC spokesman refused to comment on the claims.

The website, called Disgruntled Lemmings, has now been taken offline, but the Tories have obtained cached pages of postings via Google.

‘Head massage’

On them, one member of staff lists their demands.

One is for stress balls: “A cheap idea, these could be placed on every desk within easy reach for people to squeeze away the tension after dealing with an awkward caller or a difficult piece of post.”

Another is: “A punchbag could be kept in a staff room/chillout area for those on breaks to take out their frustrations on.”

The contributor also says HMRC “could consider offering discounts for stress-relieving therapies such as Indian head massage, aromatherapy and reflexology”.

A separate visitor to the site writes: “I like the idea of ExCom [executive committee]-modelled punchbags… Imagine how much fitter we’d all be!”

It was revealed last week that two CDs containing 25 million child benefit records had gone missing after being put in the internal post by an HMRC worker.

Mr Hammond, shadow chief secretary to the Treasury, said: “Is it any wonder that such a catastrophic lapse of data security has occurred, when staff morale at HM Revenue and Customs is at rock bottom?

“There is clearly a crisis of management and leadership at HMRC which has allowed systemic failures to occur.”

An HMRC spokesman said: “It’s not our website. I’m not going to comment on a non-HMRC website.”

If a police officer in Coeur d’Alene, Idaho, suspects a couple is having sex inside a vehicle they must honk their horn three times, and wait two minutes before being allowed to approach the scene. Thinks - a good lawyer will probably get them off (phnar phnar)

Women must address bachelors as master instead of mister, according to an Illinois state law.

A law in Oblong, Illinois makes it a crime to make love while fishing or hunting on your wedding day. Why? Why? why would you be fishing or hunting? oh and is fucking ok?

A law in Fairbanks, Alaska, does not allow moose to have sex on city streets. Is the plural of moose miise?

In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit. How do they have sex with a permit? Do they stand on it? insert it? the possibilities are endless!

Clinton, Oklahoma, has a law against masturbating while watching two people having sex in a car. No Dogging for Bill then!

In Willowdale, Oregon, no man may curse while having sex with his wife. Those fucking whores are ok tho

In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a toll booth.

Hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, are required by law to furnish their rooms with twin beds only. There should be a minimum of two feet between the beds, and it is illegal for a couple to make love on the floor between the beds.But ok on the beds?

In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city’s airport property.

A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the woman’s name will be published in the local newspaper. The man does not receive any punishment.

No woman may go in public without wearing a corset in Norfolk, Virginia.

In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances. (including the wedding night) Tee Hee, so they have to leave Washington to lose their virginity. There must be a lot of happy faces just outside Washington DC - lucky young men (and women) motel owners etc etc

The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the missionary-style position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal. Sad bastards

In Florida it is illegal for single, divorced, or widowed women to parachute on Sunday afternoons.

In Ames Iowa a husband may not take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with his wife.

A law in Alexandria, Minnesota makes it illegal for a husband to make love to his wife if his breath smells like garlic, onions, or sardines.

In Bozeman, Montana, you can’t perform any sexual acts in the front yard of any home, after sundown, and if you are nude.

A Helena, Montana law states that a woman cannot dance on a saloon table unless her clothing weights more than three pounds, two ounces.So a gun holster on her ankle is ok?

Hotel owners in Hastings, Nebraska are required by law to provide a clean, white cotton nightshirt to each guest. According to the law, no couple may have sex unless they are wearing the nightshirts.

Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and accidentally sounding the horn during their lustful act, may be taken to jail according to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey law.

During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico, no couple should engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their car has curtains. Blinds? (can you tell I’m running out of funny?)

In Nevada sex without a condom is considered illegal. Doh!

In Cleveland, Ohio women are not allowed to wear patent-leather shoes. What has this to do with sex?

In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot off a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm. For fuck’s sake! How are you supposed not to shoot,,, oh a gun right, Well even that’s fairly difficult I would imagine unless you are soo red hot in bed that you can make her come without taking much notice thus freeing up your hands and mind to concentrate on shooting.

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this
may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are
from the days when “Hollywood Squares” game show responses were
spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull, as they are now.
Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long
enough.

Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say “I Love You”?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are “Do It,” “I Can Help,” and “I Can’t Get Enough”?
A. George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out
of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

(Please add your own jokes in the comments section under this post.)