I was once on a flight from Auckland, New Zealand to a small town way down on the extreme souther tip of the South Island called Invercargill.
The plane I was flying in was very old propellar driven thing, I think it was a C47 Goonie Bird.
The toilet was certainly not designed for a guy my size because the bowl was against the far wall, but the ceiling curved backwards. I found myself leaning way back like I was doing the limbo and trying to urinate at the same time.
Being a propellar driven plane, we hit a bit of turbulance. Because I was leaning backwards so much, put my left hand behind me to brace myself against the door and continued to urinate.
My left hand accidentally hit the door latch and I fell backwards into the aisle and every passenger turned around to see me laying in the aisle with my penis in my hand and I could not stop urinating for the life of me.
I got back into the toilet and composed myself. After another 10 minutes, i returned to my seat and everyone started to applaud.
One old man thanked me for the funiest sight he had seen in all of his life.
I have never returned to New Zealand since.
Post Date:April 30, 2007, Category:Gross Author: Oliver, Comments (0).
If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this
may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are
from the days when “Hollywood Squares” game show responses were
spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull, as they are now.
Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long
enough.
Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say “I Love You”?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are “Do It,” “I Can Help,” and “I Can’t Get Enough”?
A. George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out
of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.
(Please add your own jokes in the comments section under this post.)
One night at my best friend’s house, right before her 16th birthday party, her family and I were sitting down eating a nice dinner that included beans. After dinner my best friend and I were laughing and talking about how the beans were probably going to affect us later that night.
Hours later the party started and everything was going great. My best friend had invited all the hottest guys in school, including the one I had a crush on at the time. Just as we had said, the beans surprisingly did hit me.
While running to tell my best friend about my situation, I felt the farts coming on strongly. As I told her, she laughed and told me to use the guest bathroom downstairs.
When I finally made it to the restroom, I sat down in relief. I took my time assuming that no one knew I was in there. I completed my dirty job and flushed the toilet. I noticed that one of my logs was extremly long and was clogging the toilet.
The water in the toilet was rising and I was getting scared. I ran out of the bathroom to get my best friend, but as I opened the door my crush was standing right there! I came to find out that he had overheard me asking my friend what restroom to use and he had followed me so he could use it aswell.
We met eye to eye and he asked me why I was in such a hurry. By that time I was red as the punch that was being served, and knew that my vicious odor was OUT!!! Neither of us said anything for a few seconds, then he quickly suggested that he would go get my friend.
As soon as he turned the corner, I ran to my car and left the party, HUMILIATED.
Later the next day I called my best friend and explained the story. She laughed about it and told me that a couple of guys, including my crush, had stayed after the party to help fix the clogged toilet.
The most embarrasing moment of my life happened when I was in the ninth grade. We were all in health class and everyone was just sitting around quietly or sitting with their head down on the desk, because it was the end of the year and we were all relaxing.
Everything was quiet when I bent over because I had dropped the pencil I was doodling with. I didn’t even feel it coming… the loudest boom wave ever heard. My nightmare: I farted in my classroom in front of everyone.
All of a sudden everyone was looking in my direction. They still didn’t know exactly where it came from, and I was hoping they wouldn’t ever find out. I had to think quick, so I blamed it on the girl next to me. Everyone believed me, until the moment when I thought I would die.
First I was laughing with everyone else. But as soon as I did, an even louder fart came out and again I didn’t even feel it coming. And all of a sudden I felt a pain… it was diarrhea.
Luckily no one heard that one with all the laughing going on, but I got up to go to the trashcan and everyone started laughing at me. When I had farted not just gas had come out, and now it was all over the back of my white shorts.
“A big doodoo spot!” this boy kept shouting out, pointing at me. This boy just kept saying “Ooh, gross! She has shit on the back of her shorts!”
Boy was I glad it was the end of the year. I guess God punished me for lying on the girl next to me.
My embarrassing moment happened when I was a junior in high school. I had to act out a skit during a schoolwide rally. I was a Roman person, wearing a very realistic toga, and I had to go out there with the student body president and vice president, when I noticed my black panty line was showing through my white sheet.
So I took them and my bra off and walked out into the gym. The noise in the gym immediatley stopped, and everyone was staring at me. Then I felt a breeze around my stomach and legs, so I looked down. I was standing there completely nude! I had forgotten to properly tie my toga in the back, so it fell off.
I have always had a serious gastric problem, so whenever I absolutely couldn’t hold it, I would try and make a joke, like the old “pull my finger” trick, so as to divert the embarrassment.
One day after a shower, with just a towel on, I went into my room to get dressed. My boyfriend was in the room as I dropped my towel and felt a fart coming on. While hiking up my leg to flatulate I said, “This is how much I love you” at the same time I dropped a big ol’ crap on the floor.
At that moment, we just stared in horror and disbelief with our jaws agape! I absolutely could not, in the farthest reaches of my brain, believe I had just dropped a load on the floor in front of my boyfriend!!I screamed, “Don’t look at it!” and jumped into bed and hid under the covers.
I just wanted to evaporate into thin air!! Hence, I aquired the name Pooh Girl!
Did you get caught with your pants down under the bleachers? Or maybe you fell off your chair during Math 101? Did you accidentally burn down the dorm? Confess!
Been to any horrible family reunions lately? How did it go? Did aunt Selma drop her false teeth in the punch bowl? Did uncle Alfred talk about his stint as cross dressing side show freak again? Or did your grandma point out to everyone in the room that you’re still as flat-chested as a 9-year-old?
I was once on a flight from Auckland, New Zealand to a small town way down on the extreme souther tip of the South Island called Invercargill.
